Last week, I sent this tweet:
If anyone says stay-at-home parents aren’t the ones that work, please come and look after my 2 kids this afternoon. It’s lovely but #graft
— Matt Kaiser (@marvel_matt) August 3, 2013
My wife had gone on a well-earned break for the day with a friend, leaving me in sole charge of our two-year old son and five-month old daughter.
We spent the morning around the house, slowly getting dressed, fed, washed and dressed again (we have a five-month old, remember). Finally, blessed with some gorgeous weather, we made it to the local park in the afternoon, before back for tea, bath and bed. Phew!
My point, squeezed into a snippy 140 characters, was in reaction to those who can be heard saying something like: “I put earplugs in/don’t do the night feeds/need lie-ins at the weekend (*recycle as appropriate) because I’m the one who has to go to work.”
I’ve certainly heard it. In my experience, always from men, many of whom I’m fond of and respect. I assume that when it is said, it’s usually from men, given the societal bias for women to take the extended parental leave, though I’m relying mostly on anecdote and supposition.
But, as I was changing the fourth nappy (diaper, my American friends) of the day with a two-year old playing ‘horsey’ on my back, I thought: “this feels on awful lot like work”. And at my office, I can make regular cups of tea, zone out for five minutes to check the news/Twitter and (usually) go the toilet when I want. I would like to see the bladder infection rates amongst parents, because I find myself ‘holding it in’ an awful lot.
Don’t get me wrong, I had a lovely day and adore spending time with my kids. But it is hard graft.
Which is why this attitude really grates. My wife, who is currently on her second period of maternity leave, looks after the kids for the five working days, with our two-year old being at nursery school (preschool, my American friends) a couple of mornings the only partial respite. I did it for one day and felt the pinch.
But as Ian Curtis sang, routine bites hard. Day after day, going through those endless cycles of nappies, changes of clothes, feeding, shushing to sleep, is draining. And when you’re drained, doing it all over again sets up a tiring negative feedback loop.
This becomes even more acute when one considers that stress and lack of support can increase the risk of post-natal depression. Even without leading to such extreme consequences, it is beneficial for a child’s development for the parents to be less stressed. In fact, one study showed that minor daily hassles, which all mothers experienced regardless of background or family set-up, were related to more child behaviour problems, less satisfied parenting and poorer functional family status. The study also emphasised maternal emotional support, either from friends, communities or partners, as an important buffer from these adverse effects and to maintain mothers’ psychological well-being. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like to be a single parent, but find my anger rising as society moves to remove support for this group.
Again, I should say, we both get so much joy from looking after them and wouldn’t change them for the world. But it IS hard graft, and is why my wife’s break was more than fully earned.
Obviously, everyone’s situation is different. Many, many partners who ‘go to work’ are committed to helping a stay-at-home partner in the evenings and at weekends. Many people’s work is also incredibly demanding and stressful (more than mine), and this post is not a prescription of what ‘working’ parents ought to do, as it will depend hugely on circumstances.
But if you find yourself justifying an act with, “well I’m the one that works”, then you may want to have a second think.